"For everything that lives is holy, life delights in life."
-William Blake

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
-William Shakespeare

Signs of Aging You just can't stand people who are intolerant. The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off. You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by. The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife. You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. Your children begin to look middle-aged. You've finally reached the top of the ladder only to find it's leaning against the wrong wall. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.

"The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives."
-Tony Robbins

Yo momma so fat she blocks the sun when she's out walking!

"How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone."
-Coco Chanel

"Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it."
-Leonardo da Vinci

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike. "How'd you get that, son?" "By hiking." "Hiking?" "Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

"Id rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not done."
-Lucille Ball