One guy went to see a doctor because he had a hearing problem, so he met his friend and the conversation began! First guy: "Did the doctor give you your test results?" Second guy: "Yeah. Looks like all those years of phone sex caught up with me. I have hearing AIDS."

"I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime."
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

"He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet."
-Joseph Joubert

"We must become the change we want to see."
-Mahatma Gandhi

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside: The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

"Study the past, if you would divine the future."
-Confucius

Yo Momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has 2 jobs.

"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."
-Chalmers

Patient:"Doctor,my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." Psychiatrist: "Rubbish! I like sausages too." Patient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds."