"Study the past, if you would divine the future."
-Confucius

Yo Momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has 2 jobs.

"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."
-Chalmers

Patient:"Doctor,my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." Psychiatrist: "Rubbish! I like sausages too." Patient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds."

"Success is determined by those whom prove the impossible, possible."
-James Pence

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating"...

"Fears are nothing more than a state of mind."
-Napoleon Hill

Who eats cereal and plays golf? Tony the Tiger Woods.

"Progress always involves risks. You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first."
-Frederick Wilcox

There was a priest who decided to enter a monastery. This monastery had strict vows of silence. On his first day, the head abbot told him he could only speak two words every ten years.At the end of his first ten years, the head abbot told him he could speak his first two words. "Bed hard!" he said. The abbot recorded this in a book.At the end of his second ten years, he was told he could speak his next two words. "Food bad!" he said. The abbot recorded this in the book as well.At the end of the third ten years, he was allowed to speak his next two words. "I quit!" he stated."Well that doesn't surprise me," said the abbot. The record shows you've done nothing by complain for the past thirty years!"