A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike. "How'd you get that, son?" "By hiking." "Hiking?" "Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

"Id rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not done."
-Lucille Ball

"The wisest men follow their own direction."
-Euripides

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day beforeThanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone."Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," hesays, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

"A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds."
-Francis Bacon

Yo mama so skinny she had to run arround the shower to get wet.

"Happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors."
-Dalai Lama

"Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending."
-Lazurus Long

A city mouse had a country mouse stay for the weekend, and spent the whole time offering urban advice. On the last evening of the country mouse's visit, they were dining in the kitchen when in came the largest cat the country mouse had ever seen. "Don't panic," said the town mouse, "Leave this to me." Marching up to the cat she said, "Bow wow wow wow! The cat turned and ran from the room. "How did you do that?" asked the country mouse. "Like I told you," said the town mouse, "it pays to learn a second language."

"Each man has his own vocation; his talent is his call. There is one direction in which all space is open to him."
-Ralph Emerson